Over the years, I've been a fan of the television shows offered by Chuck Lorre Productions; Dharma & Greg, Grace Under Fire, Two and a Half Men. Anyway, if you've ever sat through the credits, you'll have noticed a vanity card that flashes up at the end.

Vanity cards are a television institution. The first I was ever aware of was the animated script of "Desilu" that appeared at the end of I Love Lucy. Then there was Mary Tyler Moore's poke at the MGM lion - a mewing kitten and it's variations...dribbling an animated basketball (The White Shadow), wearing a Sherlock Holmes deerstalker cap and pipe (Remington Steele), in surgical scrubs (St. Elsewhere) and with Bob Newhart's voice saying "meow" (Newhart).
Other vanity cards you might recognize include "Good night Mr. Walters" (Taxi), "Sit, Ubu, Sit. Good dog"( Family Ties, Spin City), Bad Robot (Lost, Alias) and the graphic of a Boeing 707's nose with the title: "Braniff: Believe It! (South Park).
Anyway, Chuck Lorre's vanity cards are frustrating because they're impossible to read. Barely legible at the top is " Chuck Lorre Productions" followed by a large . body of small text. I've seen them for years but initially the only way to read them would be to videotape the show and freeze-frame the card. Things have changed with today's technology though and since it's pretty slow at work,I googled his name and found a website ( chucklorre.com ) that houses the entire collection.

So, here's what viewers who taped the first episode of Dharma & Greg would have seen;

CHUCK LORRE PRODUCTIONS
Thank you for videotaping "Dharma & Greg" and freeze-framing on my vanity card. I'd like to take this opportunity to share with you some of my personal beliefs. I believe that everyone thinks they can write. This is not true. It is true, however, that everyone can direct. I believe that the Laws of Karma do not apply to show business, where good things happen to bad people on a fairly regular basis. I believe that what doesn't kill us makes us bitter. I believe that the obsessive worship of movie, TV and sports figures is less likely to produce spiritual gain than praying to Thor. I believe that Larry was a vastly underrated Stooge, without whom Moe and Curly could not conform to the comedy law of three (thanks, Lee). I believe my kids are secretly proud of me. I believe that if you can't find anything nice to say about people whom you've helped to make wildly successful and then they stabbed you in the back, then don't say anything at all. I believe I have a great dog, maybe the greatest dog in the whole wide world, yes, he is! I believe that beer is a gateway drug that leads, inevitably, to vodka and somebody oughta do something about it. I believe that when ABC reads this, I'm gonna be in biiiig trouble. I believe that Tina Turner's "River Deep, Mountain High", is the greatest rock song ever recorded. Once again, thanks for watching "Dharma & Greg". Please be sure to tune in again to this vanity card for more of my personal beliefs.

Once he ran out of personal philosophies he told personal stories, inside jokes, campaigned for himself to replace Michael Eisner as Chairman of Disney and complained about how hard it was to write a new vanity card each week. But he kept writing them. Here are a couple more examples;

CHUCK LORRE PRODUCTIONS, #182
Back when I was writing and producing Dharma and Greg, the only way to read my cards was to record each episode on a VCR and hit the "pause" button. This was not an easy task. The image wobbled like crazy making the tiny words of my weekly tomes very hard to see. Then it hit me. What about building a device that records video images digitally? Wouldn't this allow for a much more precise "pause" function? I took my little notion to an impoverished computer whiz by the name of Schlomo Tivowitz. At the time of our meeting Schlomo was feverishly trying to invent an improved version of the George Foreman Grill. Schlomo's grill would contain a hard drive that remembered all the details of your last barbecue, as well as an address book. I didn't really see the point of it, but, not being a tech guy, I held my tongue and presented him with my idea. I will never forget his reaction. With hamburger-flecked spittle flying from his blubbery lips, he laughed, called me some very unkind names and demanded that I leave his mother's basement immediately. My hopes dashed, I went back to work on Dharma and forgot about my silly idea. Well, I'm sure you can figure out what happened next. The fact that you're reading this card right now should tell you. Thankfully, it's not in my nature to be bitter. But there are times when I feel a little used -- usually when I've forgotten how to effectively grill a fatty piece of chicken.

and

CHUCK LORRE PRODUCTIONS, #172
This week, as a little bonus for all my loyal vanity card readers, I thought I'd give an inside look into the making of Two and a Half Men by telling you about a joke CBS insisted we cut from the final scene in tonight's show. The scene, as I'm sure you remember, involved Charlie finding Alan, post-coital, tied to his bed, and wearing nothing but a bustier and red nylons. The offending line in the scene was what we in the comedy biz refer to as a "callback" since it references a line that was said earlier in the episode (in this case two lines, the first being when Alan's date implies that she hopes to spend the night with him by coyly saying "I brought a toothbrush with me," and the second, when Alan tells Charlie that "that lady in there brought a toothbrush with her because I have a penis and a job!"). Now before I tell you the joke which was cut, it's important to point out that I'm not doing this to make a point about censorship. In this particular case we never felt unfairly edited. The excised joke was, without question, in terrible taste and we didn't even try to defend it. But we did think it was funny. In any case, here it is: In the original, uncensored final scene, Charlie nonchalantly exits the bedroom without untying his hapless brother. Alan reacts with astonishment and calls out, "Charlie?... Charlie?! This isn't funny! Come back!... At least take out the toothbrush!" When we shot this version our studio audience laughed loud and long. Our CBS censor's head exploded, injuring several writers standing nearby.

Whether you're just wasting time or, like me, have always wondered what they say, it's well worth the read.

so. Christmas was pretty awful this year. I'm glad it's over. That's all I'm going to say about that.

After a week of actually cooking meals for myself (eg egg & sausage for breakfast, meat + two veg for dinner) I've decided that I must be a vegetarian by nature. A second turkey dinner last night seemed to put the cap on my life as a carnivore. I can feel myself sweating animal fat out during training. On the plus side (and size), it's keeping my cheeks chubby which cuts down on wrinkles. I'm going to make a t-shirt, "My fountain of Youth contains trans fats".
Any of my clothes that were within a 50 ft radius of the kitchen smell like roasting turkey, onion and herbs. That's not a bad smell when you haven't eaten for hours and are just arriving home but not something I want to face every time I put my coat on. And it didn't help that I had to pick through the carcass after boiling it for soup. Yep. Leek and potato soup is my new favourite.
What? Turkey stock is the best soup base? Ugh...

It's so bizarre to be finished training by 8:30 on Saturday morning. I come home and all I want to do is lounge in front of a fire reading a book and sipping my Starbuck's misto. I get this twinge of guilt over all the things I need to get done and then realize it's 8:45am! Nothing's open yet so I can do whatever the hell I want...

Yeaaahhh, this is pretty much what we heard from everyone before we went to Australia...

It turns out the problem was my SI. Kara was able to fix me up (she's at Nancy's clinic now) and the worst of the pain is gone. The rest will go with time and exercise. It never ceases to amaze me how quickly and efficiently our bodies deal with chronic pain.
The thing about going to Nancy's clinic (Physical Edge in Oakville) is you're basically hanging out with paddlers so it's not really like a medical appointment. Plus there are always new pics on the wall of fame. Most are practitioners at the clinic but I always run into other paddlers seeking treatment. Last night it was Dray. He had landed funny while playing basketball - as he described it, his knee just kind of popped out and then back into the socket - so Karen and Kara taped him up and sent him home with a splint for sleeping. I've go that residual tenderness from having an area worked on but the added bonus (for me anyway) is that Kara trains with us at Revolution and can help modify our circuit so I don't do anything stupid. Thanks Kara!

I got most of my gift shopping done yesterday and I am very happy about that!
Tonight I have an appointment to have that chronic pain in my tailbone dealt with. It's funny how, if you think pain is associated with age or phsyiognomy, you just deal with it and push through it. As soon as I found out that it is indeed possible for your tailbone to be rotated or compressed without some kind of jarring impact, I became a real lightweight. I notice the pain constantly and let myself slack off if I feel pain during a workout. However, I'm very excited at the possiblity that some off the stuff that has challenged me in the year+ since I first noticed this problem will disappear. Paddle pool and spin class in particular have been incredibly uncomfortable.

Crazy weather this weekend. I had to drive out to Scarborough on Saturday night and it was a nightmare. However, I had promised my Dad I'd come for a visit and Gary and Cheryl were having their end of the year party so it wasn't a wasted night.
The weather adn traffic had thinned out the guest list but with this group it doesn't matter - it's always a good time. I sat with Jackie, Blake and Sydney. It was great to catch up but everyone had an eye on the storm that was steadily escalating outside the window. I stayed for an hour and then headed home.

Sunday morning was even better - a ton of snow had fallen overnight and continued for most of the day. These are the times I'm glad for 4 wheel drive. I finished shovelling the driveway and took a short drive to Starbucks and Blockbuster. Now I was ready to be snowed in!

I could hear the waves crashing from my house this morning, so after practice I walked down to the beach at the end of my street. There was a bit of a snowstorm going on but nothing like the blizzard they forecast for us. It's hard to tell in the picture how cold and brutal the wind is but I was frozen once I left the shelter of the marsh trail.

A great cover...

I know...lazy. Just trying to keep things fresh.

Flintstone Car gets pulled over by Toronto cops;
Toronto Artist, Michel de Broin created this pedal-powered car? Here's the story from LiveLeak.com:
This was recorded 26 October 2007 in downtown Toronto, Canada. Michel de Broin, an artist, had totally stripped down a 1986 Buick Regal and outfitted it with 4 independent pedal and gear mechanisms. This was part of 'art' piece being exhibited at the Mercer Union Gallery (24 October - 8 December).Anyway, the police noticed the car's test drive and thought to pull it over and check it out. No tasers were employed, but it did cost the occupants an expensive towing charge.

Chrissy visits the Australia Zoo on Steve Irwin Day (nov. 15)

I am so dumb. I had to get a root canal today and broke the cardinal rule of "don't eat while your mouth is still frozen". My appointment was for 1:00pm and I hadn't eaten lunch. By the time I got out of there at 3:45, I was STARVING. Around 5:00pm I figured I was safe and ordered sushi. At some point, I chomped into my anaesthetized lip while eating gyoza, only realizing it when my lip swelled. Great. So not only do I look like a stroke victim, I've got a fat lip which is REALLY going to hurt when the freezing wears off.
Anyway, that's not my reason for posting today. I know lots of people are wondering how Chrissy's doing in Australia. For those who may not know, she stayed there after the world championships and has been travelling around making new friends, grabbing odd-jobs and generally having the time of her life!

She had a good start since Clem's cousin, Candice, who we partied with after worlds, is going to uni in Sydney.Even before the other girls had left for home, Chrissy had taken a job on the Solway Lass. She washed a lot of dishes and polished a lot of brass but she also made a ton of new friends. I can't wait to hear her stories since she says the captain was a seaman in the truest sense of the word with tons of sailing and pirate stories.

It was a beautiful day here so I decided to spend it in Kensington Market. I wasn't shopping for anything specific but that's the beauty of the market - you might not know you were looking for something until you see it.
I spent a couple of hours down there and came away with some ideas for Christmas gifts as well as some pots & pans which I needed to replace the various that have lost handles and their teflon coating.
I also picked up fruit and some rice snacks while fortifying myself with a latte and red bean dumpling.

Late in the afternoon I headed home and decided to pick up my dinner at Burrito Boys in PC. Walking over from the canoe club I took some shots of the shoreline and the low water levels.
A little Google research when I got home turned up the following - Lake Ontario is 8 inches below average and 17 inches below last year's levels. One report states that a Level 2 low water condition has been declared but the only defining information provided with this is that a Level 3 condition, which has never been issued in Ontario, would mean mandatory water conservation measures. As much as I don't like the idea of being buried all winter, I really hope we get lots of snow!

It's time for someone to cover this - Crosby, Stills & Nash's Suite: Judy Blue Eyes. I'm thinking the White Stripes could do it justice.
Stephen Stills wrote this about his then-girlfriend, folk singer Judy Collins. Stills said: "It started out as a long narrative poem about my relationship with Judy Collins. It poured out of me over many months and filled several notebooks. I had a hell of a time getting the music to fit. I was left with all these pieces of song and I said, 'Let's sing them together and call it a suite,' because they were all about the same thing and they led up to the same point."
The last verse is sung in Spanish. Stephen Stills didn't want it easily understood since it had little to do with the theme of the song. He just put it in because the song had gone on forever and needed to be wrapped up somehow. translation:
"How nice it would be to take you to Cuba, The queen of the Caribbean Sea. I only want to visit you there. And how sad that I can't, damn!"

You know how gas stations and convenience stores have a sign that you must be 16 years (or is 18) of age or older to purchase cigarettes? Shouldn't there be a similar sign behind the counter at Guess stores or other retail outlets - You must be 32 years old or younger to purchase this mini-skirt or skin-tight satin pants or Skechers...

I'm not sure what's going on but I'm in full-on spring cleaning mode. It could be a number of things;

1) my trip to Australia messed with my circannual rhythms and fall is spring
2) I'm finally getting over that debilitating, post-divorce stress syndrome or
3) I have no money, it's Saturday night and this is some kind of cheap entertainment

It's probably a combination of all three but whatever it is explains the overwhelming drive towards change (eg note the new hairstyle). Right now I'm cleaning out the pantry and clearly it's time. There are so many memories and emotions attached to the items I'm finding and it's not right that a person should get sentimental over dry-goods.

There's a tin of duck pate that Ryan brought home from his exchange trip to France in 1995. It was the first time he'd ever left the continent. He was 15 or 16 and and it was a more painful severing of the umbilical chord than the literal event. The expiry date on the tin is 1999. I don't know why I didn't eat it and can't say for sure why I packed and moved it in 2000. Maybe it was proof that he could leave home and return safe. And it's a good thing I got used to it because he'd caught the travel bug and never stayed home for long after that, leaving for Costa Rica within 18 months, university in New Brunswick for 4 years after that and tree planting in B.C. in between times. I never worried about him after that first trip to Vaux les St. Claude.

I am currently emptying assorted canned goods left behind by generous, or were they just too lazy to pack their food, former roommates. Ugh, maple syrup beans?? Who would put that in their body?

Then there are the left-overs from various fads; my Celestial Seasonings Tea phase (aka the great de-caffeination of 2001) and my "Just-say-no-to-gluten" diet, evidenced by half-used packs of rice flour spaghetti and Spelt pancake mix... and what's this...Chupa Chups? Ice wine? Cooking sherry? Oh hey! Crown Royal in the original purple felt bag. How long has that been up there? Thank goodness whiskey never goes bad.

Anyway, you get the idea. The clean-up is cathartic. It has reminded me that I've changed a LOT in the past few years. Regardless of whether it's for the better, it indicates movement forward and that's never a bad thing.

Once the out-of-date items have been disposed of, the actual amount of stuff that's MINE, bought by ME within the last 6 months will fit on one shelf. That leaves 5 big empty shelves to be filled. Just imagine what kind of a time-capsule I'll create in the next decade!

I got most of my hair cut off....and I'm so pleased with the results! (sorry about the in-your-face face. Just wanted to show off the new do)



I love my stylist, Victor. I've been going to him since I was 26 and he's never given me a bad cut, bad colour or bad advice. I've been with Victor longer than I was with either of my husbands, in fact, longer than both of my marriages combined. Okay, TMI but the point is we're good friends and know more about each other than many couples. Do most women have such long-term relationships with their stylists?
I guess it helps that we have a lot in common; our sons are about the same age and of similar temperament, we take any opportunity to travel and we both have problems with the men in our lives. I just happened to have an appointment with him the week my dog died and we consoled each other because his dog had died the same day. Don't ask me why but it was comforting somehow - it's one of those situations when you can't be empathetic unless you're actually going through it.
For awhile during the `90s his salon was on the ground floor of one of the best plastic surgery clinics in Toronto and I got lots of dirt on which celebrities had work done, often encountering them in the shared waiting room. All I can say is don't believe infommercials where a certain local celebrity claims, "this face cream has kept me looking young without plastic surgery!" and don't get me started on a particular former mayor.
Anyway, besides all of his great character traits, he's one of the city's best colourists and an amazing stylist. Last night I took in People magazine, pointed to a photo of Jody Foster and said, "That style." Then pulled a photo of Drew Barrymore from a magazine in the waiting area for the colour. He executed it perfectly while we chatted about our current relationships. Better than therapy! LOVE Victor!

The Dalai Lama was in Toronto on October 31st so I went to hear him speak at Skydome (Rogers Centre). I had no real reason other than just wanting to see this personality who has loomed large for our generation. I'm so glad I went - he's a very engaging speaker!

He came out on stage wearing one of those Madonna wrap-around-the-head microphones, greeted the crowd of 16,000 then proceeded to take off his shoes and sit lotus-style on the couch provided. He rambled conversationally for awhile before even pretending to address the topic, "The Art of Happiness". He's a giggler and has those crinkly eyes which make him seem like your favourite uncle or a gnome or whatever. This isn't disrespectful, I think it's part of his global appeal. In fact, at one point I had an overwhelming sense that I was watching Yoda. The parallels between the two are many and so obvious that I'm not the first person to posit this comparison; the worldly-naiive wisdom, the broken english, the unexpected giggle, "do or do not, there is no try". Go ahead and Google 'Dalai Lama & Yoda'. It pulls up roughly 50,000 hits.

He addressed many aspects of happiness but in fact, his talk referred more often to a global emotion as opposed to the personal. One buddhist expressed surprise that the Dalai Lama had chosen this topic because, as he stated in an email read to the crowd, "happiness is never discussed in the texts or teachings of Buddha, only the absence of suffering." The DL waved this away as semantics and would not be drawn into an academic discussion of Buddha's intent. Having grown up in a Christian culture where arguing the minutae of a multi-translated, second-guessed text is considered dinner conversation, this was incredibly refreshing.

His message was pretty straight-forward and familiar. Be tolerant, be kind and be who you are. He advised that while there's nothing wrong with educating yourself in the various religions & teachings of prophets, it's important to stay with the religion in which you were raised. He told a funny story about a buddhist friend who moved to America and after several years there told the DL that he was converting to Christianity. "But don't worry," he said, apparently oblivious to the fact Christians don't believe in reincarnation, " I'll be a Buddhist in my next life."

Anyway, as I said he's an interesting speaker and there's a directness about him that you don't usually find in such a public figure. I'd definitely recommend going to see him if you ever get the opportunity. At the end , I was so relaxed it was like I'd had a massage. I stood in the middle of the field, waiting for the floor and exit aisles to clear when I suddenly realized that I was standing IN THE MIDDLE OF SKYDOME FIELD!! I had to text my son and say, "Hey, guess where I am!".

Actually, that's not the first time I've stood on the field at Skydome - except the last time it was after midnight during the '93 World Series, all the lights were off and I was playing baseball.

A group of us had rented one of the Skydome hotel rooms to watch game two of the series. It was one of the two-level rooms with one full wall of windows overlooking the field (there was actually an incident a few weeks before this where two people "forgot" to close the drapes and were caught on camera having sex during a game). Anyway, late that night we decided to head out to a bar. We jumped in the elevator intending to get off at the lobby but when the doors opened, we were looking at the Skydome field. Somehow we'd gotten down to field level and we weren't about to pass up the opportunity.

In fact, we'd actually come prepared on the off-chance that something like this might happen. No kidding. One of the guys hiked back up to our room to grab the gloves and balls we'd brought "just in case" and we started to play some baseball. It was very cool. We threw the ball around and took photos for about 15-20 minutes before security came down and rounded us up. The security guys pretended to be pissed but they weren't. As soon as they realized we weren't going to cause any problems they relaxed and asked us to follow them back up to the lobby. One of them told us it was their fault for forgetting to lock down field access on the elevator panel. Ah, such a great memory! I'll have to find the pictures of that.

Sydney Hara

Born October 7th, at 6:53am

6 lbs and 10 oz

I finally got a chance to meet Jackie and Blake's little girl, Sydney. Isn't she beautiful?! And it was so nice to just hang out with the family for an evening. We ordered dinner in from Spring Rolls and since Sydney is such an easy-going baby, we had a chance to catch up on things. She is seriously the MOST relaxed baby I have ever seen - no surprise considering who her parents are (but I am starting to think this is a phenomenon common to paddler babies). These two were born to be parents and the transition from metro-sophisticates to Mom & Dad appears to have been effortless (well, except for about 34 hours of labour). Nice work, you two!

This is CocoRosie. I really like their music. I think. Listen to the whole song before you judge. The duo was formed by sisters Sierra Rose Casady ("Rosie") and Bianca Leilani Casady ("Coco") in 2003. Their music is strangely beautiful, compelling...and for some reason I can only write in short, incomplete sentences when listening. Anyway, the link above gives their WIKI bio which provides some insight into why their music is so different. It's an interesting life they've lived to this point...