Work in progress...


I'm committed now. I've said yes and booked a hotel room in Rarotonga. Not that there was ever any question about me returning to competition. I've missed it. Dropping off the map in 2007 left a big hole in my life. A hole that filled up with grief and worry for my dying parents and made me angry and lonely. I don't mean that I was alone. My son was back in Toronto, I hung out with friends, went on the occasional date, worked out at the gym and in my outrigger, I took up tennis and stand up paddling... Reviewing the checklist in my head, I was convinced that I was moving forward and getting on with life. Instead, I was just getting four years older.


Last year, in an attempt to regain some competitive spirit, I joined an outrigger club and completed my goal of racing in 2 events. I also did an adventure race with some guys from work that required me to paddle 12km and run a 6.5km leg through the York Forest. I felt a little like my old self but training was hard. In the intervening years I'd developed a taste for pinot grigio and shiraz and rediscovered my old friend, Cheeses. I'd hung a giant flatscreen tv in my basement and gotten used to doing what I wanted, when I wanted; sleeping until noon on weekends, lying on the couch watching hours of recorded programs, eating bad food and drinking every night. (I also suddenly had insight into the mind of every single guy I've known from my teens 'til now.)


I'd gained 20lbs and, because I hadn't really looked in a mirror for 4 years, it was like I'd gone to sleep one night weighing 135 and woken the next day at 155. It was a shock but, on the plus side, I'd finally gotten those C cups I'd wished for when I was 14! Compounding the weight issue, pronounced bunions now twisted my feet painfully. Ugh, I don't even want to talk about it. Just standing up first thing in the morning became a challenge.


Okay, so obviously things had to change. I was hoping for some external catalyst to come along and transform me. When that didn't happen I had to admit that all the hackneyed psycho-babble was right. When you can't change your circumstances, you have to change yourself. 


Trying to get back into some kind of routine, I started running again. It's always been my go-to activity. It requires minimal equipment and you can do it anytime, anywhere, in any weather. Plus, I genuinely enjoy it. But you try strapping on a 20lb fleshpack and see how enjoyable it is! In fact, everything is more difficult; riding a bike up a hill, moving an outrigger against the wind. And forget body weights! Push ups + 20lb fleshpack, body row + 20lb fleshpack, chin ups +...who am I kidding? I just stopped doing chin ups altogether. I used to like that gyms had mirrored walls reflecting your progress back at you. Now I just resent it.


The funny thing about life though, is once you start taking responsibility for yourself, the universe responds with gifts to support and promote your efforts. Gifts, I have to point out, that wouldn't be noticed or appreciated while you're feeling sorry for yourself.


Deciding to rejoin the world seemed to be the hardest part. Once I'd done that, it was like I flicked a switch. I received an email asking if I'd like to be part of an OC-6 crew planning to race in the Cook Islands in November 2012. There's no waffling on a decision like this. You're in or you're out. If I said yes and bailed later on, I'd be burning an important bridge and no one would ever consider me a serious racer again. I said yes and suddenly realized that it was true. I absolutely and unquestionably wanted to commit to this crew. And just like that, I stopped filling the void with food and wine and started getting up at 5am every day to go to the gym.

Okay, of course it never actually happens 'just like that'. The tools and support systems have to be in place if you're going to accomplish your goals. And I have that in spades. Over the past 18 years, I've trained with amazing coaches and athletes. The things I've learned from them form a solid foundation upon which I continue to build. I constantly refer to my training logs from those years, for workouts, inspiration or reminders that it wasn't always easy. I review the workouts and tips I find in books and on the web pages of athletes I admire and work them into my routine. On top of that, I'm fortunate to be surrounded by some truly impressive people. Continually inspiring and supportive, they provide the impetus for all kinds of endeavors.

One of the most important springboards for my personal transformation was the Christmas gift I received from my friend, Marisha. It's a framed magazine article about a women's OC-6, the winners of the 1990 Na Wahine o Ke Kai. When she tore it out of Shape magazine in January of 1991, Marisha didn't even know what an outrigger was. It was those women, propelling a 400 pound boat 41 miles across the treacherous Kaiwi Channel, that impressed her so much. She'd stuck it on her fridge as motivation when she took up rowing and it's hung there all these years, helping her stay focused on her goals while she put herself through law school and won a boatload of medals and awards in various sports. Now she was passing it on to me, saying she hoped it would inspire me in the same way.

Until I got this gift, I'd forgotten the importance of touchstones in the process of achievement. When you're about to let fatigue, pain or inertia get the best of you, there has to be a timely reminder that you're better than that, to switch your attitude to "GO"! Do the work, stay focused and, as Winston Churchill said, "Deserve Victory!".

I've hung the photo in my kitchen where I see it every day; walking down the stairs in the morning, preparing meals, getting my coffee, sitting on the stairs tying my shoes or gathering my things to head out the door. It's encouraging on so many levels. I'm inspired by the words printed on the page, by the accomplishments of those women and by those of the friend who gave it to me. When my brain tells me to skip a workout because I'm sore or tired or I just feel like having chicken wings, its a  powerful token of what I hope to accomplish 10 months from now, or next year or the year after that.


And because it was a gift, I know there are people who believe I'm capable of big things, even when I question it myself.


I don't know anything about the conditions we'll face in the South Pacific. I've never raced on the open ocean or heard anything about the crews against which we'll compete. What I do know is, I have everything I need to do the work, put in the kilometres and prepare myself to compete at the highest level of my ability. I'll be ready.

I've never really been a fan of the Oxford comma. Even before advances in technology promoted the compression of language, I thought it was extravagant. Seriously, how many commas and conjunctions do you need to get your point across? Context has to count for something.
I haven't written it off completely because so many of its proponents are people or journals I respect. Lately though, I find myself edging closer to partial acceptance because of this...

A couple of things referencing 1988 dropped into my mailbox today. They made me smile...

Considering how much online shopping I do, its kind of surprising that I haven't been the victim of fraud or identity theft. Today, when I logged on to do some banking, I noticed a charge on my credit card for $500.00 at The Beer Store.  I don't buy beer but I did spend over $100 at the liquor store this past weekend. I thought about it - was I overcharged by accident? No and anyway, I used my debit card. Are they owned by the same corporation? No. Then I noticed the posting date was Monday. I was at work on Monday and out with a friend in the evening. So, clearly it wasn't my expense. I called my bank and they're on it. They've cancelled the card and are sending me a new chip and pin. I feel better now that I'm not funding a field party in small-town Ontario.

Later today, there was a union rep in our office. I guess he had a bunch of meetings at our building and needed a hotel spot to check his email, surf porn or whatever it is he does all day. After lunch, one of the guys said he was downstairs in our lounge, lying down on the couch, sound asleep. I wanted to go take a cell pic so bad but you know a union person would NOT be happy about that, after all the TTC shenanigans. Seriously, how can they keep complaining about negative stereotypes when they're constantly reinforcing them?

This past weekend, all of our female cousins (maternal) got together at my sister's house. It was fun to catch up with everyone.



Judi, Linda & Debi arrived from Winnipeg in the middle of a snow squall. Their plane circled for 45 minutes, supposedly waiting for workers to clear snow from the runway. That never happened so they finally landed in the messy conditions, skidding along the runway to a stop. Isabel's flight from Regina landed in Toronto about the same time, in the same way. After that Pearson diverted flights to Ottawa until they cleaned things up. The Calgary contingent; Susan, Dale, Marie, Dianne, Barb & baby Atticus, got a brief tour of Ottawa airport before they were able to get on a flight back to Pearson. We were supposed to meet them for dinner but they didn't get in until 10:30 in the evening. Once they had checked into their hotel on South Sheridan way, Susy called - they were all still on Calgary time and wanted to go out!

Amanda arrived from Winnipeg early Friday morning. I had the sound turned off on my cell so didn't see that she had texted a couple of times. She was supposed to take a cab to Laurel's but forgotten her address. And Laurel wasn't answering her phone. We got her sorted though.
Julia was already in Toronto. She works for an MP who is having surgery at Toronto Western (big secret) but she was able to get the weekend off and arrived Friday afternoon around dinner time.

Here in the west we love our gadgets. We have at least one with us at all times (sometimes more) we line up for days outside an Apple store when a new version is released and we mourn their creators when they die. So...have you ever wondered where all our gadget crap is made? How it's made? Who is making it?
This week's podcast from This American Life is a brilliant (and entertaining) report on technology giant FOXCONN. They produce almost all of our tech tools, from the most basic components to finished, packaged products. Click to listen to EPISODE 454: MR. DAISEY AND THE APPLE FACTORY

I saw a familiar face on the news wrap-up tonight - remember Fiona who used to paddle with the women's team in the early days? She did something that happens quite often - locked her baby and keys in the car - Link with video-goodness . For some reason City felt it was capital "N" News.  As always, I was impressed with her absolute cool in a tense situation. Reporters arrived while her 2-year old daughter was still locked in the vehicle. That's got to be annoying. Firefighters were quickly on the scene but Fiona had called her husband to bring the spare set of keys so they waited for him. It took about 30 minutes to get there - he arrived just as they were about to break a window. I knew Fiona was getting married a few years ago but I hadn't heard about her having a baby.
I did the exact same thing when Ryan was about 18 months old. I had just dropped off some dry cleaning and, while I was putting him back into his car seat, the driver's door swung shut, keys on the seat. I closed Ryan's door before I realized the lock was engaged. The best and the worst thing about older cars is how easy they are to break into. This was an old Vista Cruiser (that's right, Eric's car on That 70s Show) so, after a moment of dismay, I went back into the dry cleaners to borrow a coat hanger, stuck it down the door panel and popped the lock. 

Let's see... swap the gender references, switch naked bars to shopping malls, wine instead of beer & liquor, yoga & paddling not hunting & motorcycles and the toilet seat stays down. Leave the rest and... yup, that pretty much sums up my life...

I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes.
Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You're doing things you've never done before, and more importantly, you're Doing Something.
So that's my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make New Mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody's ever made before. Don't freeze, don't stop, don't worry that it isn't good enough, or it isn't perfect, whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family or life.
Whatever it is you're scared of doing, Do it.
~~ Neil Gaiman

I could never have predicted I'd ever be typing the following words;


Ke$ha has released a cover of Bob Dylan's, 'Don't Think Twice, It's Alright'. 


See what I mean? Using Ke$ha and Dylan in the same sentence sounds crazy, right? Anyway, the thing is...I don't actually hate this cover. I mean, I hate the idea in principal but this version is not completely heinous.
Musically, she favours the Sylvester Stallone school of expression but it works. And if I'm going to be completely honest, I think it's closer to the true emotion behind the words than Dylan's freewheeling, hobo-inspired original. (at first I thought it was just the difference between male-female reaction to a break-up but on closer inspection, they actually seem to be offering opposing sides - the heartbroken vs the heartbreaker - using the same words. Hmmm, interesting). 
I've listened to it a couple of times now and it reminds me a lot of Sinead's, "Nothing Compares to You". I'm positive that's intentional, especially considering the use of a single cello for accompaniment. Ke$ha may have just created the heartbreak anthem for her generation.

I can't believe how productive I was this weekend. I finally got my two stand up boards out of the living room and hung on the wall of my garage. It's so much better having them out there and I can't say why it seemed to be such a big task all summer. Although, every time I went out there to assess the situation I was confronted with a wall full of garden tools - both manual and electric, shelves, random nails and bolts in the studs, a ladder, chains, ropes. Really it was just a mess and I couldn't figure out a spot where it could all be rehung or stored.  In the end, I moved it to any available spot - planning to organize it properly a bit at a time. 
One of the reasons for the clean up was because I was stuck at home for a big part of the weekend - I sold a bunch of furniture and had to be here for people to come and pick it up. So not only did I make a few hundred dollars, I gained back another 6 feet of garage space! 
That inspired me to get rid of a bunch of stuff that I've been keeping around for no reason (other than thinking someone would pay cash for my garbage). The donation bin by HomeSense now has a basketball backboard, hoop and mounting hinge, 2 pairs of skis with boots, poles and bindings (circa 1989), a box of Ryan's books from his childhood (mostly Calvin & Hobbes and horror stories - Clive Barker & the like) and a 6x6 piece of mint green, never used carpet, left by the previous owners of my house. It was stowed up in the garage rafters so I didn't know it was there for the longest time. 
Now I just have to get rid of that couch, ottoman and wing chairs. They're going cheap if you know anyone who needs a place to sit -  $200 for the lot!

Love LOVE LOVE Russell Brand. I went to see him last night and he was brilliant. Lovely, as always. My face hurt so much from laughing. The show was at Casino Rama at 8pm so we had to leave the city as soon as everyone was finished work - we got there with just 15 minutes to spare. After the show he did his usual meet & greet. It was an insane mob. Our section's exit was on the opposite side of the theatre from where they were set up, we were all tired, had a 90 minute drive ahead of us so we pulled the chute. 
We ended up stuck in the Casino exit traffic for almost an hour anyway so maybe we should have stayed. Anyway, I got home around 2am and I'm wrecked at work today.
SO worth it. I can't wait for him to come back - hopefully to a venue in Toronto the next time!

Our fall/winter training group is working out really well! Last weekend wasn't really organized - I just posted an FB status the night before, saying where and when. Four of us went to Hilton Falls, had a great run, beautiful weather and then hit up a local hobby farm for breakfast afterwards. They just happened to have corn mazes, slides, hay bail playground and a country store.
The benefits of a training group can't be overstated. My running this week has improved - I'm more motivated and my workouts are focused on getting better instead of just maintenance. I'm not the only one. I've received emails from everyone saying how good it felt to get together and break out of our routines.
.

This week, I'm doing it right. I sent an email out to 15 or so people with a proposed outline for the winter, indicating they should let me know if they want off the list. Only one person asked to be removed because their kids have too many weekend activities, they'll never be free (at least for this winter). I'm curious to see who shows up this weekend!

ps Rachel, let me know when you're home so I can keep you in the loop!

There's nothing like a great playlist or podcast to make a tedious drive (flight, waiting room visit, etc.) go by quickly. A couple of years ago, the soundtrack for my loner-drive to Florida was the Russell Brand radio show. I burned through those so many times I can practically recite them. This week, the guys at work suggested alternatives so I've added This American Life and The Adam Carolla Show to my iPhone. I can't say how good the ACS is because I can't stop listening to This American Life. Think TED Talk meets George Strombolopoulos or 60 Minutes (when it was good). The drive home is suddenly way more interesting and way less stressful.

Pete, Matt and I started back with our early morning workouts at PTC. It felt a little strange because I'm still on the water -  was out as recently as last night. Usually there's a bigger stretch of no paddling between the end of summer and start of winter training.
We decided that October was the November of 2011. It was mostly horrible, cold weather. I had actually started to put my boat away - no, that's not true. I was thinking about how I'm going to store boats and boards for the winter. The boards are still in my living room but I've got a tarp and sawhorses in the garage. That's something isn't it?
Anyway, just as well I hadn't packed everything away because I had a great paddle on the lake last night before meeting Katy and Eve at Katy's condo. We grabbed a couple bottles of wine and headed to Dr. Generosity for dinner.

So I got a flu shot for the first time. I was at the doctor's for a call back on some tests and she mentioned I could get one while I was there. I've always resisted but in the past 4 years I've caught really bad viruses that knocked me flat for weeks and then lingered on for months. The most recent was 6 weeks ago and that was the final straw for me. Still, I asked her opinion and she said that since it has a reported 56% effectiveness it offered better odds than not getting one. The clincher was when she said she gave all her children the shots. She did ask me an odd question - was I allergic to eggs. Apparently the vaccine contains egg protein so that's a concern (but not for me). Done. I'll let you know how it goes.

My sister called last night but because my phone was buried somewhere in my purse, I didn't know until this morning. I'd been waiting for a call from her because my Dad has experienced some unexplained bruises and scrapes at the nursing home so she was going to talk to the director of care. Laurel suspects the night psw is not careful when moving him around and is demanding they replace them. I pointed out that complaining about a staff member, having them disciplined and reassigned is similar to sending food back at a restaurant. You're just inviting the chef to spit in your soup (or worse). Don't put your parents in nursing homes if you can help it. It's horrible.

Anyway, she left a message but it was basically her saying "Hi it's me, (laughing) I'm at a friend's birthday party" and then just loud music. I figured she had stuck the phone in her pocket, thinking she'd disconnected. I texted her to find out what's up - she texted back that she left the line open intentionally so I could hear Sting who was performing for her friend at the party. I was just like "oh. durr, that's awesome." Like I didn't know how great her life is already. Her husband purchased a 2012 Aston Martin Virage while he was in Europe earlier this year and had it shipped to Toronto. Currently the only one in Canada. I'll just go back to my shitty government job now.

Hey, 7 billion people on earth today. The U.N. recognized a number of "symbolic" 7 billionth babies born around the world. As I noted on fb, according to a world population calculator on the BBC website, my birth order puts me at number 2,978,458,194.

Results from Pan Ams for Canoe-Kayak;

WK4 500m - GOLD - Alexa Irvin, KC Fraser, Una Lounder, Kristin Gautier

MK4 1000m - SILVER - Connor Taras, Philippe Duchesneau, Richard Dober, Steve Jorens

MK1 1000m - BRONZE - Philippe Duchesneau

MK2 1000m - GOLD - Steve Jorens, Richard Dober

MKW 500m - SILVER - Emilie Fournel
Saturday's results ; KC & Kristin were 5th,  Connor was 6th ). Rich Dalton GOLD, Emilie Fournel 4th and Hugue Fournel & Ryan Cochrane GOLD

They've taken the word 'cassette tape' out of the Oxford English Dictionary. Sign of the times? I'm not sure. Have cassettes really disappeared from our culture? There's bound to be a renaissance just as there's been for vinyl records and film cameras. And guaranteed there's a hipster or two out there, rocking retro walkmans on their skinny jean belts. 
A few years ago, I found two cases of old cassette tapes in the garage. I'd put them together over a couple of decades and I still love listening to them. Well, as long as I'm in my 2002 Pathfinder, that is. That's the only cassette player around my house. Seriously though, mix tapes are part of our fabric, our cultural history. Isn't this a futile attempt to remove it from our lexicon? Tapes are referenced in lots of current books & movies.
“The times you lived through, the people you shared those times with — nothing brings it all to life like an old mix tape. It does a better job of storing up memories than actual brain tissue can do. Every mix tape tells a story. Put them together, and they can add up to the story of a life.”
-Rob Sheffield, Love is a Mix Tape
The mix tape (and therefore read/write cds) might never have evolved if not for the cassette tape. All of a sudden we could record our fav songs from the radio or vinyl, even other cassettes, and then blow off Can-con and payola-driven playlists for our own mix. Even better, we could make a mix tape for someone else, usually someone we're crushing on. A gift that's cheap and heartfelt.
"The making of a great compilation tape, like breaking up, is hard to do and takes ages longer than it might seem. You gotta kick off with a killer, to grab attention. Then you got to take it up a notch, but you don't wanna blow your wad, so then you got to cool it off a notch. There are a lot of rules. First of all you're using someone else's poetry to express how you feel. This is a delicate thing."
-Nick Hornby, High Fidelity
Obviously you can still put together your own mixes using the new technologies but you don't have to work for it; selecting the songs, getting the equipment connected, pressing the play*record buttons at exactly the right moment, stop-rewind-start-stop-play*record....everything to put together a seamless, perfect expression of you - the you existing in that exact moment in time.
P.S. iTunes Genius is the Anti-mix tape. iDeath to creativity.
Anyway if you, like the OED, are done with cassette tapes forever, check out the recycling options available...
BTW, the words added to the dictionary while they were removing cultural icons are sexting, retweet and mankini. psshhtt whatever. 

Fall has arrived. Dammit. 
I was hoping for an extended summer but resistance is futile - from now on it's neoprene or nothing. My feet are pretty cold when I come off the water without socks or booties. Last night was flat, the water clear  & green all the way out. A big difference from the past week or so. We've had high winds and waves. The sand has been scraped up off the bottom and dumped at the beach edge so that stepping into the water,  you immediately sink ankle-deep into sand. And you can see the bottom all the way out - exposed rock and weeds.
The lake temperature today is 63f and a gale warning is in effect (source Environment Cananda). I have a hair appointment (with Seb's dad!) right after work so I don't even need to make the decision. No paddling tonight.

Fun night last night. We'd been planning a downwinder all week - conditions are perversely ideal during work hours so all we could do was shoot for 4:30 and hope for the best. I knew it'd be tough for me to get to the start point in time but I booted it over there as soon as I got off work and picked up my gear. I could see them, about 1000m off shore, heading east. I jumped back in the car and belted over to a beach about 2 km east and was able to slap my board down on the water just as they passed. I had to get around a kite surfer who had his kite and rigging strung across the little bay there.

What a great time - conditions weren't ideal but they weren't terrible either -  9 of us. I think that's probably the biggest group so far. Just as we finished the 8-9km, the SW wind spun around completely and started blasting from the north. If we'd waited about 10 minutes, we could've easily done a downwinder back to our start point! We were all getting cold though so we loaded all of the boards onto 2 trucks and headed back to cars and then on to our local for dinner and drinks. A few others came by and met us - like old times we ended up closing the place.

At the end of the night, one of the guys had forgotten his blackberry on the table but none of the guys would take responsibility for it (just one of the ways guys are smarter than girls).. I found out why when, at 6AM, I heard this bizarre and LOUD series of tones coming from my kitchen. I'd had a lot of pinot and didn't even remember saying I'd take the BB so I really couldn't make sense of what I heard. My iphone has been malfunctioning lately so assuming it was more of that, I grabbed it from where it was charging in the kitchen. I was heading back to bed when I heard the tones again. SO LOUD! INSANE! In that state of Still Drunk, About to Get a Hangover, I sat on the stairs to clear my head and considered how some new kind of technology could have gotten into my house while I slept. And then the lightbulb went on - foreign blackberry in my purse.
Unfortunately, I've never used a BB so 2 more phone calls rang through before I figured out how to silence the thing. I recognized one of the callers and knew he was meeting up with the phone's owner so I called him back and he passed on the info..

I tried to get back to sleep but by then a couple people were texting me so I got up. The north wind is whipping the trees around. I decided to stay upright for now and get all my errands done. I wandered out to look at my truck. After the downwinder, before we went to the bar, I'd dropped the truck off at home. I was in a rush to change out of my wet clothes and get some dinner so I didn't bother to put my board away. I'd left it sticking out of the open back hatch, opting instead to back the truck right up to the garage so the board couldn't be pulled out that way. It didn't look any worse for wear so I decided to leave it 'til later. I took the VW, picked up some birthday flowers for a friend, some goodies at the bakery, dropped the blackberry at the owners home, dropped the flowers off for the birthday girl and then went to the vegetable market on Southdown to load up on fruit + veg for the week.
When I went out to move the truck so I could unload the board, it was clear that a squirrel had found the open hatch and gone in looking for food. He must have bounced around a bit because the glove box was open and all kinds of stuff was pulled up/tossed around from under the seat. He got at least one granola bar, possibly more - I keep a box in there for days when I end up at the beach for hours - so he's set for the winter! Anyway, I think right now I'm just going to watch some pvr'd tv shows and then nap for awhile. TFC match tonight with the girls!
Sometimes I can't decide if my life is disorganized and sad or AWESOME.